March 14th, 2005 - Nighttime rants
i read, i read and read. my mind has a river of constant knowledge flowing into it. there's never enough. i want to read, i want to write, i want to paint, i want to sketch, i want to sew, i want to design. I have so much to do and so little time. i have so many assignments and the teachers say im on track but i constantly feel like im trying to catch up. all i ever think about is numbers. how much calories are in this piece of bread or salad? how many assignments should i get done today? how many assignments do i have to get done by deadline? what day should i schedule my meeting? what time should i get up? not 9:42, thats not even, no, 9:45. yes. but i missed 9:45. how about 9:50? no. 10:00. and at 2:00 ill eat my lunch, but i ate breakfast late so lets move it to 3:00. numbers, numbers, numbers. im starting to hate numbers. why am i expected to complete the entire structure of an essay--minus the actual essay, without simply writing the essay? im convinced whoever came up with planning my thesis, research topics and opinions on those research topics, claim--counterclaim, etc etc was truly evil. ive never liked this way of writing. i develop my claim, develop a thesis of this claim, do my research, and let my hands do the rest. having to plan out and pick away at every single thought i have feels exhausting. was i supposed to submit a chart with my claim, counterclaim, thesis, thesis statement, hook, 2 cited evidences for claim & counterclaim with my opinions/points and an explanation on those today? yes. did i? absolutely not. research alone for an essay takes me at least a full business day. i love to write. writing essays is my favorite part about school, english is my favorite part about school-- (minus those middle school art classes. i always loved those.) yet somehow they find a way to ruin writing for me. writing is about letting your creativity flow, of course an essay has to be grammatically correct, and structural. but besides that, how can i possibly be expected to do such an odd thing with my writing? it makes more sense to me to just write the essay and dissect it later for what is supposedly the "beginning" of my assignment. --that was quite the rant. apologies. im letting my brain do the typing tonight. my fingers going with the flow as i type in my notes app. i added a few more books to my lists tonight, ah, my lists. how much i love my lists. i have many of them: books, cds, home appliances & useful items, things for my bedroom, teas id like to try, things for my cat, things and more things. i never run out of things to get. i never run out of hobbies to do. and yet i do none. i dont paint, i dont sketch, i barely write, i code as much as i can, and i dont read. at least i have movies, i watch movies almost every day. my mind is so overwhelmed by the constant information and noise trying to plan and plan when all i want to do is something productive other than schoolwork, cooking, and house chores. i think its the graduation jitters. something that has felt so far away my whole life is now only two months away and im expected to have everything finished by then, as well as one more test to insure im graduating. graduating early is impressive--yet, there is so much pressure put on me to do so. i am constantly anxious that i dont have enough assignments done, that im going to fail that singular test, the last test i need. im anxious to get a job because i wont have enough time to work. im anxious about not being able to live up to my mother and fathers expectations, hearing how my mother tells anyone she can about her incredibly smart son who is graduating early, who read at a "9th grade level in 3rd grade", a "gifted child". im told by my teachers "im so proud of you! you are on track to graduate early" yet i am so anxious that for some reason i wont. im the type of person who needs to see something on paper or in a file for it to be true. i remember feeling nauseous when my mother bought my gown. how she put in my information, checked out and everything. what if im not graduating? what if i did something wrong? i dont know. ive always been anxious. academically anxious. part of the reason why im so ready to be done with school. after may 27th, i will have officially graduated. ill get a job in the culinary industry to save money to move out of the country and pursue fashion. ill start the parsons fashion program online in the fall and get my 4th certification. ill begin sewing classes in the summer. i yearn and yearn for my future. a future where im not constantly anxious about every 5 minutes passing. i yearn to leave my house and move. i yearn to make beautiful clothes. its currently 1:21 AM. its going to be a lunar eclipse tonight. i will miss it. i cant go outside without my parents hearing me. i hope it is beautiful. i could keep going on, as my mind never really stops running. yet i have to end this somehow, this endless cycle of my mind finding different thoughts. so ill end it like this..

always pursue your dreams. no matter how out of reach they may be. do not give up. dont let anxiety get the best of you. take your time.

love, felix